...she became a butterfly!

Photography by Clau

"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly. "

Richard Buckminster Fuller

About 6 or 7 years ago i fell into a very deep drepession. I learned many things through out this phase and its only now that i am even able to think about it and remember how it felt. Although it has somewhat become a distant memory, i did learn very important lessons. I also became very fond of butterflies. I picked up a book one time and i learned about the tedious and delicate process the caterpillar goes through.  I was fascinated with the way they come to life. Until yesterday, i had only read about caterpillars and butterflies, but yesterday i got to see my first caterpillar. I stared at it and didn't hesitate to take a picture, which i will treasure. The process of how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly kept me on my feet during the saddest moments. I knew in my heart that i would get through it and that i would become a beautiful, colorful butterfly.  Since then my fascination with them. Here is one of my favorite readings about butterflies:

A story is told of a caterpillar named Yellow who was trying to find out what she should be doing with her life. In her wanderings she discovered another caterpillar seemingly caught in some gauzy, hairy filament. Concerned, she asked if she could help. He explained that this was all part of the process of becoming a butterfly.
When she heard the word butterfly, her whole insides leapt. “But what is a butterfly?”
The cocooned caterpillar explained: “It’s what you are meant to become.”
Yellow was intrigued but a bit defiant. “How can I believe there’s a butterfly inside you or me when all I see is a fuzzy worm?”
On further reflection she pensively asked, “How does one become a butterfly?”
And the answer? “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”(From Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers [New York: Paulist Press, 1972], pp. 67-­75.)

I love this passage because it describes accurately the way i felt.  I felt all fuzzy and dark and had absolutely no idea how i was going to come out of my bubble.  I doubted myself many times and became color blind to the beauty of life. I held on to this story and it allowed me to hope. 

When i saw the caterpillar yesterday, i got goosebumps.  But it was a GREAT feeling. The caterpillar was just holding on and by simply looking at it you couldn't tell what it could become. It is even unknown what color it would evolve to be. I knew right there and then that everything i have been through has all been worth it. I felt a special kind of peace i had never felt before. I had joy inside and i had evolved into a beautiful butterfly. Although the life of the butterflies is very short, i always like to think that i am constantly evolving into a different butterfly each time...of different size and color.

“I embrace emerging experience. I participate in discovery. I am a butterfly.I am not a butterfly collector. I want the experience of the butterfly.” ~ William Stafford

Yes...the proces is tedious but there is also no other way to come to have a beautiful and bountiful life. We live and learn. We evolve and if there were no changes in our lives, we would live very boring and sad lives. Everything would always be the same...and definetely, there would be no butterflies.

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.............and as i promised, here are some pictures of the pumpkins we carved!

It was sooo much fun! Happy Halloween!

It is never too late...

Wow...what a day!!!

My day started at 6:00am today but amazingly so, it did not matter much to wake up that early to do what i love to do the most: Photography.  I had scheduled a photoshoot for a friend of mine...to take pictures of her daughter - 1yr old pictures. The day was beautiful and i could not ask for a better model, although she did feel a little fuzzy due to her recent cold. When i hold my camera it seems like somehow it becomes part of me. I get dazzled into a world where no worries exist. Following my passion, fulfills me in so many levels. I become one with each click...

Today i have taken over 300 pictures. I can't wait to upload them, edit and share. Its been a while since i remember having a day soooo full of events. I enjoyed every minute of it. We also went to a place called THE LITTLE FARM where they have a petting zoo, a buttlerfly garden, a play area and of course my favorite, the pumpkin patch. After that we bought a total of 6 pumpkins and guess what...? We carved them all...(pics to come later).

...and YES, i just made it home just in time to post today's sum of events. When i looked at my watch i remember my challenge and was eager to come and share how much fun i had today. I am even going to heat up some water and have some tea so i can calm down from such excitement. Its an excitement that makes me extremely joyous!!!

I am amazed at how many things i have come to enjoy fully...even more now than when i was a teenager, an adolescent or even when i was in my early twenties. I feel alive and that is a GREAT and AMAZING feeling. I enjoyed every second of my day today and i am grateful for this.

It is never too late to start enjoying the simple, yet significant moments in life...It is never to late to start having fun and actually start LIVING!

I made beautiful memories today!

Today was a somewhat weird day in more good ways than bad. It was my last day at my job. I had to move a lot of stuff from my desk into boxes. I was approached by many people in the halls to say HI and BYE. Some people i would see in the hallways and until this day they never spoke a word to me. The funny thing i realized today is that eventhough i thought i wasn't being noticed, i indeed was! Some even offered their help in the future if needed.

I also got the ocassional "smile but not a word kind of person," which to me had been the most common approach. I have never been a people person and at my workplace i have preferred to stay to myself. I only made a few friends and i focused more on quality than in quantity. Some of my friends treated me to lunch and i have to admit, it felt good. I have been also noticing that "I" tend to cater to people most of the time and people have noticed this.  Being on the other end, did feel quite special and different.

I had been in my job position for 10 years now but i have to admit that some things and places do get really old. I felt this way today! After so many years, i was due for a big change. I have been having the hunch that a change was near but was not certain what kind of change it was going to be. For some reason of another i did not fit anymore. I felt that in some way i had stopped mentally growing. It was starting to get harder and harder to get up in the morning to go to work. 

WOW... there is so much i have been processing in the past weeks. I realize that this challenge i have placed upon myself is going to be very interesting. I have so much clutter in my mind its hard to categorize my thoughts. My posts might end up being somewhat mixed.

But the important thing to remember is that in sharing my experiences, i am not only helping myself but others. Today i have learned so much and i am still processing a lot. This is what change does to you...it puts everything you have done, and the places you have been - in perspective.

So, the first thing to remember always is that although we think we are not being noticed, we ARE!!! People do notice us and we have the power to influence people positively or negatively - be it directly or indirectly. Your co-workers, your family members, your friends will always remember you for how you made them feel...how your positive energy changed their day around.

On a second note, be concious that when it is time to move on to better grounds, we should not allow FEAR to paralyze us.  If the opportunity to move on presents itself, take it and embrace it with open arms. If we don't take the first step, the Universe has its way of making it happen.  Change becomes what we make of it...positive or negative. Believe it or not, we do have a choice!

And last but not least, try getting spoiled and pampered once in a while. If its not by someone else, pamper yourself. I made dinner for myself today and it tasted delicious! It felt good not having to cook for someone else but myself for a change. ;)

...and now i am off to enjoy one glass of my favorite wine before going to bed.

Tomorrow i have a Photoshoot scheduled...it sure feels great to follow my passion and live my dream.!!

Sweet dreams...

ps...more on my photography experience on posts to come! ;)

Heart: Friend or Foe?

...for obvious reasons we were all given a beating heart. There has been many ocassions in my life in which i feel the most vulnerable. I feel as if i am holding right in my hand (figuritevely) my own beating heart guarding it from any harm or anything that would affect its life. There are days in which i walk and carry on around the world with a litte bit more confidence knowing that my heart is safe. This is where my questions comes about: Heart: Friend or Foe? Was our heart given to us to guide us or for us to guide it? I have heard so many times that following our hearts is dangerous because in doing so we become vulnerable to hurt, tears and dissilusion. On the other hand, we can't really stop our heart from feeling. If we don't feel, we are numb and if we are numb, then we are not actually really LIVING. Apart from it all, i don't believe there is someone possibly outhere that does NOT feel anything ever.



My point about the whole heart imagery is that no matter how many times our hearts have been hurt or damaged, the heart given to us is indeed our friend. If we really listen to and follow our hearts, we become more aware of our passions and through action, we are able to see our dreams become a reality. Our mind could be trained to be in sync with our hearts. If we educate our mind, our thoughts will not stand in front of our dreams. We will say no to fear.





I was thinking about this challenge of writing a post everyday and i realized that the first posts are going to be so random and so mixed. I find myself with a lot of things to write about. There have been days in which I feel totally drained and don't want to touch my laptop. But, once I get to it, I realize I do have things to share. The first step is the hardest!!!

Our hearts let's us know what is affecting us. Pay close attention to what is really stressing you out. I am now realizing the extent of stress my prior job was causing me. When I say my "job" I mean the surroundings and the attitude of certain people. It was creating a negative vibe around me and fighting it was making me weak. God and the universe know exactly what they are doing. As my dear friend would say: " they are not stupid."

So the next time our heart points out the root of our discomfort and negativity… by all means pay attention. Although sometimes we can't believe what it tells us , trust in God and know that change could turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

;)

I challenge MYSELF...

 photo by Bliss Boutique Photography

I have to remind myself daily that it takes baby steps to reach my mountain. Don't know how to describe it but it feels time is just flying by these days. I have a feeling there are a lot of changes coming my way and the only way possible for me to digest them is taking baby steps. I tend to be hard on myself during changing times.

I have decided to REALLY pay attention to what is going on inside of me. For sometime now, i have been feeling more aware of my emotions and feelings but ocassionally i still "react" to situations and to others in a way i don't particularly like or its best for me.

During the past month or so i would say (approximately), I stumbled upon a blog that has inspired me daily to become open to life's uncertainties and to finding life's beauty in even the simplest things and moments. The blog belongs to Katherine Jenkins and its called "Lessons from the Monk i Married." I have to admit, the title did it! ;) It captured my attention because i have always been intrigued by the life of monks or any other spiritual master. I have never met one in person but i admire and like to read about their spiritual journey. I have been delighted to read Katherine's "lessons to remember" daily. She has been posting a lesson daily since the year started and has not missed a day...very ADMIRABLE!!! Her lessons come from the heart and as she says, she is still trying to master these lessons herself.

There are times that it's hard for me to come here and post eventhough i may have tons to say or to share. But when i do get myself to my laptop, i experience something too hard for words to describe. I tend to bottle things up and writing provides me with the serenity i need. Sharing my thoughts helps me to Let Go! of unnecessary emotional baggage.

 Having said that, I have decided to take Katherine's challenge  and start from today to JUST WRITE a post everyday on this blog. I created this blog with the intention of being able to help others and share what i learn throughout my spiritual journey. I believe every person has their own journey but not everyone is fully aware of what goes on inside ourselves on a daily basis. I will use this challenge to positively evolve emotionally, to learn, to give THANKS and to adopt an attitude of gratefulness.

I don't know the "HOW" i will complete this challenge but i started today and will do it for 1 year!!!

Thank you Katherine for all you have shared and continue to share with your readers. The kind of help you have given me is priceless.

...and so i start my challenge!!!

In the midst of CHANGE...

 ...don't know what it is but everytime i go through certain change, be it external or internal, i tend to crawl up in my cave and don't come up for days and sometimes even weeks. I love writing...and although this is so, i run away from it when i am going through something.

There have been a few things going on lately.  Where do i start? Well, they have been hanging out "lay-off" letters at my job recently for the past two weeks. The feeling of uncertainty was eating people up and it showed in their attitudes and demeanor. The "not-knowing" factor really got the best of people and it sure put a lot of things in perspective.

How do you go from "having" something to "not having" it?

Well, at one point i started hoping for the best but i did not have a clue whether i was going to get a letter or not. One day i was coming back to the office from lunch and was immediately called into my supervisor's office. If i can recall, my heart sunk.! I remember thinking of the worst scenario...literally i pictured myself unemployed. I lost control of my positive thoughts and was sumerged in what i call "negativity at its best."

However, God and the universe had other plans for me! It just so happened that i was handed a "transfer" letter instead.  I am being transfered to another department with the same title and with the same pay.  For some reason, it was a shock for me.  Instead of being extremely grateful, i felt nostalgic.  I dealt with this feeling for a week or so (it felt long). I just didn't know what to make of it. I felt horribly for my other co-workers that indeed got what they mostly feared. How to feel happy for not being in their group? I was experiencing mixed emotions.

It is now that i am writing this post and after a virtual "wake-up" slap from a friend of mine, is that i realize how blessed i am. I had lost my positive perspective...i had forgotten how God works in misterious ways. I had been craving a change for sooooo long and that it almost seemed surreal.  I have always struggled with the concept of "timing." I had the erroneous idea that nothing good happened to me...but it always been the other way around.  The things i have gone through in life, have been the things i needed to go through ...in order for me to be able to write about them and give testimony.  Everything has been GREAT, i just decided to no see the good in them .

Sometimes we provoke change and sometimes change is forced upon us. Either way, we can decide what to make out of it. I can make it a smooth and positive transition or become imprisoned by fear and doubt. IT IS UP TO ME.!!!

It is merely a "letting go" process.  I don't know what my new duties will be yet nor where i will be working or how it will go...but do i really need to know how everything will come to pass all the time? Do i need to worry about it ahead of time? NOOOOO!  I trust that God allowed me to make it this far and has not left my side, then everything will be just fine and how HE would have it.!

Change...Letting go...Trust...Hope...Allow...are all synonyms for me from now on! I refuse to question the Divine plan.

Thank you Lord for carrying me through my path...

Although i don't always understand your purpose, YOU have a clear perspective in sight!

I am looking forward to a new beginning, to seeing new faces and new opportunities...

I start my new job on NOV 2nd. ;)

I am truly blessed...

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
Wayne Dyer

Let it pass...

Today i woke up with an unexplainable sense of "blah." There is no other way to describe it. How can i just wake up and feel this way.  I was just sleeping!!!!

Well, after further consideration, i have come to realize an important lesson and reminder: NEVER GO TO SLEEP UPSET OR WITH ANY THOUGHTS OF DISCOMFORT ~

I went to bed feeling a bit uneasy yet i was able to fall asleep because i felt tired mentally. I tend to be an over-analyzer, an over-worrier, and i rationalize things a bit too much. Over the years, i have gotten a lot better but at times these attitudes sneak up on me even on my best of moods. Why is that?

I have decided to in turn analyze my moods and hopefully and surely get to the root and the cause of my "blahness." When i decided to begin this new blog, i was really excited to record my journey but there are days in which i don't even want to sit and write because my mood is OFF. So, i came to the conclusion that so what if my mood is OFF????  So be it... !

So today i give way for my blah mood to pass and see it as a reminder that i should beware of the thoughts that go through my head before going to sleep.  If there is anything bothering me, i must come in terms with it or resolve it if there is a possibility to do so!

It is enough to realize that in life there will be off days, good days, not-so good days and the really exciting ones that leave so suddenly.  In spite of all of this, i can write! I can record my journey and see where it takes me.

"Experience life in all possible ways, good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter. Don't be afraid of experience..." Osho

Time to press the RESET button!

I can only compare this feeling to when anyone gasps for air. Recently, i have had many things on my mind. I am currently finishing my degree in Psychology and this semester has been filled with sooo many writing assignments that have somewhat overwhelmed me. The thing is that these assignments are long and they deal with ethnicity, culture, cultural identity, immigration and anything that revolves around these topics. YES, i sound like i am whining. ;) I have been asked to access my inner database in search of my own experience and feelings regarding these topics. Well, i have officially reached a state of system overload. This is how i felt today...

What i am trying to say is that, at times (many times) we may reach a point when it might be best for us to press the reset button.  During lunch time, i sat in my car, played my favorite instrumental music and closed my eyes for about 15-20 minutes. I practiced a technique my friend Nadia mentioned to me once: when you feel overwhelmed with anxiety, inhale profoundly and exhale slowly - do this about as many times as necessary. BINGO!!! I never thought something so simple could turn out to be so soothing to my soul. I was able to release and concentrate on the action of just breathing. When i opened my eyes, i felt so calm and with a certain amount of peace.

I have realized that although my school assignments are due and still need to be completed, i can STOP and press RESET from time to time. This small practice that took such little time, made a major difference in my thoughts and in turn, aliviated my anxiety.

So...here is to the blessing of being able to STOP and BREATHE. It is totally free and definetely soothing.

;)